Okay I don't *hate* Christmas. I dislike it though.
I find it stressful, a tad frivolous, and if I may invoke some cliche cynicism for a second, am one of those people that wish others could adopt the yule tide cheer that invokes giving and being good to their fellow man year round.
But I do like to laugh at things, and what better way to hate on something than to get a good joke out of it? So I decided to count down to the 25th with a list of things that make me hate Christmas.
#1. PANNETONE
If you aren't Italian or aren't at least of some form of European descent (though I read that Latin Americans love this shit too) then you probably don't know what Pannetone is. The best way I can describe it is that its 85% bread, 10% cake, 1% raisins or some other weird Christmas fruit and 3% constituents unknown. Sometimes it has like chocolatey/coffee swirls, I don't even know for sure cause I won't touch this shit.
I just came from the European grocery/deli and they have a god damn fortress of this stuff inside. Seriously, it's fucking everywhere.
You know on Halloween how you get Candy Corn and you're all WTF am I gonna do with this? Pannetone is to Christmas as Candy Corn is to Halloween. I guess you could compare it to fruit cake, but I have had fruit cake and at least that is semi dessert/sweet related.
This is more like your parents trying to pass off mashed potatoes as ice cream. It looks like cake, and you would *think* its cake, but it's far from it. Cake is soft and delicious and usually has some sort of creamy frosting. This is dry and hard with weird pieces of fruit that don't even seem like fruit.
Every damn year, my dad would buy this stuff and every year we would get repulsed it so much that my brother and I still joke about it. Every year, whenever we happened to see our father he would, like clockwork, show up with Pannetone and EVERY YEAR we would tell him he hated it, at which pointlike a broken record, he would proceed to tell us how great it was. He's coming this year and I have no doubt when I go to pick him up at their airport, he'll have it in hand with some sort of long winded story about how he couldn't check it in case it got damaged because he knows how much I like it.
Pannetone makes me hate Christmas.
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